Why do humans exist?
02/10/2024

Long time no see everyone! :3
It has been a while... A lot of stuff has happened since my last entry! I've just been mentally burned out, I don't know why I'm here, probably one or two people would miss me at most anyway, and that's if we're generous with our guess here. One of my biggest regrets is my past, I keep overthinking things, and I'm pretty sure the person I like hates me now.

On the bright side, we've hit 140 views! Why am I even doing this? I can't sleep. I'll just let whatever thoughts are on my mind pour out. I wish I knew how to apologize, I wish I knew how to feel the pain of others, I wish I didn't have to go through life. This sounds like an edge-lord rant but whatever. The feeling of never being enough kills me. Longing to feel someone's touch, I want to be held and comforted, to be told that things will be okay. Not currently in the right place mentally and I haven't been for a while, I just put a mask on and tell myself it'll be alright. I keep lying to people about it and they don't seem to notice. Maybe I should become a politician or an actor.

School is going mostly well, kinda managed to fuck up big time today, and so did the rest of my class, at least I won't die on a sinking boat alone. The vocational school I attend wasn't my first pick, this is starting to sound a little like this one Austrian guy who didn't get into art school. A career in the medical field was my goal, now that I look back on it I was living someone else's story and not mine. Of course, I would love to help the sick, the idea makes me happy, and it would give me a reason to continue. I want to be able to tell others how I feel without the fear of them leaving me.

An older lady sat beside me in the subway today, she was so blissfully happy, just started talking about her day and asked me about mine. I teared up a little, the fact that some people can be so joyful and optimistic, I envy them. She made me realize something, everyone is the heart of their story. I know it doesn't make sense or it sounds silly but the fact that two people of totally different origins, ages, gender, and interests, could sit beside one another and converse touched me, I wish I asked for her name. Feel like she was sent down to talk to me today, I skipped school and was about to do something stupid, thinking about it makes me want to cry. :(

How long would you be missed? Things don't revolve around you, everything will return to normal at some point. Three or six months, then all I'd be is a memory, a memory forgotten by some and treasured by others. I doubt someone would put in the effort to consciously think about me besides immediate family, the sun will continue to rise and set, even if I'm not here to see it.

Wish I could say something of value, this is a degenerate way of thinking. But still, I mean nothing to most people, even the ones I love and hold dearly. I'm just a tissue they'll throw away after they wipe their hands.

But it's not like it isn't my fault as well, my weird pathetic brain wants to get hurt. Over and over and over again, until one day where I'll just stop the cycle. I don't know how others do it, they go on with their lives, so happy. Maybe I am a burden. I burden others with my behavior. I've started to cut again, it'll break my mom's heart if she finds out.
The human consciousness is so fascinating, no wonder some love psychology.

I don't even know what the point of this entry is, I guess just crying and getting it out there will supposedly help. At least you'll know why the entries might stop at some point! :3

If anyone close to me reads about this, I want you to know you mean something to me and I wish I could express it without writing a monologue. I'm so so sorry about everything.